Mirror rorriM

The mirror isn’t the cause of the problem but it is problematic: it feeds our obsession over our perception of ourselves- how we look. We are reading ourselves, scanning and morphing our bodies through the mirror. The mirror is where we go to check if we look okay: to pop a spot, to put on make-up, fix it, and take it off, and to investigate our image. I watch myself clean my teeth and make sure all my face wash has washed off. I watch myself floss and pick at my scars. I angle it so I can see my vagina and check that it looks like it’s supposed to. I check my outfit looks good and when it doesn't, I change. I come back again to make sure that it looks better. Morphing my external body: is it an expression or an obsession? Both. We are infatuated with expressing our inside on the outside but is it our true inside or our inside manipulated by our outside. Do I even like this dress? 

Walking past, I quickly look at myself. Sometimes, I fix my hair...

I have two mirrors in my room... I get distracted by my body so much. I sit and stare at myself while I’m sitting at my desk. I drift into myself- the negative side of myself. Into a self-conscious state. I am not my true self in the mirror. I don’t know what that is- what I look like, what I pose like when I’m not performing this life. Who am I? I’m Bekki. How does Bekki stand, sit, pose or smile. No, I don't like that. Don’t do that in real life. This is real life. You don’t like it or are you afraid they won’t like it. Although quite frankly it doesn’t matter whether you like you or not- your you - so let’s get used to it. What do you think is beauty? I don’t know? Am I pretty? Am I ugly? Well, you have nice eyes but your lips are so small. How can I make them bigger? Pout. That’s not permanent. No, it’s not. It’s not real. You're morphing your lips so you like your lips. Why don’t you just like your lips? Why don’t you like your thighs, your hips, and your eyes? No, I like my eyes. Good so concentrate on them. Window to the soul- do you like what you feel? But how do you feel? When you look into your own eyes- do you like what you feel? I am proud. That's good. For standing here today. What does it matter what I look like? This body is real. These hips, these thoughts, these that are mine- I am the creation of love. I have blossomed with care. I will remember now each time I come to the mirror and wish, wish- mirror, mirror for a small change here and there. A nip and tuck. A few pounds off here and there. I will remember I am real and the problems you create are not for goodness sake. This is a place I have misjudged. I stand in front of you here. I love it you see when I see you are real. These constructs surrounding me blur my vision in you. Making me wish - mirror mirror - for a who that’s not there. I am real. I am. Beautiful...you feel. Feel my skin, feel muscles, feel my bones - they are real. I don’t need to change them to fit into your vision. I break from your problematic position in my room. No- you won’t. You egotistical girl. You will be free from your perception of yourself. You have to look good for society- you have to be who you tell you to be. And when come to me next and time after that/ for the next 4000 times to stand in front of the- you wish - you wish to me- mirror mirror- here on the wall. That you were different somehow- somehow inside and out- you’ll always need my help to reassure yourself you are who you should be. Stand up tall, fix that smile and walk away and I’ll meet you in the hall. 

Every time you look at me you die and remerge. More like you're supposed to look but not quite yourself. You archive what you see, change it, and your image of yourself has developed. Whether that’s a negative or positive development is up too? 

Have you ever been to a mirror and not changed something about yourself. The way your heads tilted, your hair, your face, your stand. Gone to the mirror to check your hair and fixated in a spot. Quick results that’s what we want. Pop and it’s pop. Wait I can’t.